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Monday, October 14, 2013

hari ini hari apa?

hi! yep. today is monday. dah monday hoi!!! and i sttill kinda have lots to do for final. 

and today is arafah day. the day the pilgrims do their wukuf. and for the first time after almost 10 years. sangat teringat akan hari ini balik. well. i have few stories that  i don't even have courage to tell. but after few times telling it to people. i'm getting better at dealing with it. one of em is my experience as a pilgrim myself. 

so, this year, i take arafah day quite seriously than any other years i've been alive on earth. (maybe because i am that tense, so in Him i really should put my trust unto. 

during my time, (performing Haji) most of the time had been so unreal, tense, magic, and miracle. my father was sick. he was admitted to ICU when we were there. he can't walk because the heart was too weak at that time. a simple movement can make him tired. so, he was on wheelchair almost all the time.

so my story today might be one of thousands stories you've heard about the miracle that happen in tanah haram. 

arafah day 2004.
in the tent, there's a lady ask me, where did i study, and how was my SPM? and she said, it's not too late to still pray for good result. well. i can't really concentrate on what had happen. i am scared. scared of losing. i spoke to the doctors few days ago, and they asked me to be prepare about any possibility. the worst part is when they asked me what will i do if 'it' happen. will i leave him here, or bring him back home. i've tried hard to process the thing they told me about the consequences of doing this and that, and for not doing this and that. all i could think is, "i'm too young to face this". arafah was hell cold during night time. and as the men in their ihram, they are forbid from wearing anything that sewed. i can wear jacket. but how my father gonna survive this? so my mom and i covered him with more towels. how i wish i could cover his head because it is cold. i am covered from head to toe, but it still make me shiver and to see him shiver and helpless on the wheelchair, really breaks my heart. 

so, there's a time when it is the best to do Doa during arafah day. i can see almost everyone in their depth connection with Him. and i am there watching. not praying for no reason. from afar, i look at my father, in his ihram, trying to stand i believe, but knowing that i am watching, he canceled his effort standing. he knows he'll get tired by doing just that. he even get tired by talking, so imagine what happen if he stand.

i still don't know why i am here. because my name has not yet been on the list. that is why all of us have to go private, because my father insist of me going together. and the most important, i know that i am so not ready for haji. 

but looking at my father's condition, i know why He made me His pilgrim this year. no way my mother can go through this alone. and most of the time, i am the one arranging this and that for my father. and alhamdulillah, each time i think it is impossible, He sent me someone to help me. I have a lot of beautiful people volunteer to help me all the way. Alhamdulillah. 

not long after his attempt of standing up, he waves and ask me to come closer and i go sit on the ground next to his wheelchair. he ask me whether have i recite my doa. i said no. i don't know what i want at that moment. and he said there must be something that i really want at that moment. it took me quite sometime to figure out what i really want. then i knew it straightaway. i don't want to lose him now. which i know, i can't go against qada' and qadar. so, i pray that everything will go smooth and the journey to mina would be easy. there's no way he could survive long hours in the pack bus. and i just hope for endless help through out the journey. no doa for me for the life after haji at all.

during our time queuing to get into the bus, the ustaz too had recite doa, hoping that everything will go smooth because it had been reported that the traffic is quite bad. when it is our turn to get on the bus, while my father struggling to stand, then come two men, offer to help to lift my father up, so he can just sit in his wheelchair. yes, out of nowhere. both of them are just there. and along the way, there's an awkward silent in the bus i'm in. we couldn't see any other vehicles on the road except our bus. no heavy traffic at all. and all i can see is people collecting stones alongside the road for jamrah later. it took us i maximum 15 to 20 minutes maybe. because, i don't get myself to daydreaming at all. so it was short journey.

once again, i get help from i don't know who while jamrah. my brother pair up with my mother. and i'm with my father. seems illogical. but my father insist it to be that way. but it end up, we waited for my mom and brother finish their jamrah so my brother can come along. well, you can never imagine how packed it was. and how harsh and rude people could be during hajj. they push you with no mercy, and i am kinda confuse, if this is the right way of doing it. shouldn't Islam is all about peace and harmony? why are these people reacting like a bunch of hooligan?

with the push and squeeze and punch and such, i finally lost my brother, the idea is to have him to help making some space for my father so he won't be suffocating in the sea of people. yes. i am terrified.i am just seventeen. and these people really look scary and rough. and again, out of nowhere, there's a man come and direct me. he take over the wheelchair and i just follow him. and he manage to have my father right in front the jamrah since my father don't have enough strength to throw the stones. i am still stuck at the back struggling to get nearer. and i can feel someone pull my hand, strong enough that i finally stand right next to my father's wheelchair. and the man? he vanish, just like that.

and right after jamrah, we wait for the other group to finish. and later, i notice that some of us aren't here yet. i found out that the bus that departed before us, have not yet arrive due to heavy traffic. yes, we look at each other. knowing that what had happen to us just now was miracle. we didn't see any other vehicle except ours.

that is the time i know, He answered me.

and i have a lot of other miracle experience keep happening since then.

He still answers me without fail. He gives me what  i need instead of what i want. and all these tenses, really makes me believes in Him even more. He always make me know that i never alone. He sent me bunch of beautiful people who sincerely want to be with me during my worst time, and He always help me see things to stay positive in life. yes. i am that one of 'manusia paling kuat merungut' you ever know. but seriously, thanks for staying. 

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