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Thursday, October 31, 2013

No longer positive

But its time to let people help you.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Aku yang hari ini

Aku yang hari ini.
Alhamdulillah. Syukur dengan aturan Allah. Ujian yang diturunkan ialah supaya aku lebih dekat denganNya, lebih bijak mengira rahmatnya, lebih bijak melihat perkara baik yang mendatang, husnuzon dalam setiap perkara.

Tapi. Rasa ini Dia yang beri. Diharap terus diberi rasa ini.

Tenang. Redha. Percaya.

Tipu kalau aku cakap aku tak gentar. Aku sangat gentar. Tapi hati yang dibiar remuk takkan kuat.

Doa kalian. Pertolongan kalian, mental dah fizikal. Hanya Allah yang mampu membalasnya. Semakin hari, semakin aku percaya betapa ajaib hidup ini jika benar-benar percaya dan redha padaNya. Kini aku rasa aku layak berkata, la tahzan. Allah ada. Rasa negatif itu kita yang cari. Sedih sebab terasa kehilangan itu pasti akan sentiasa ada.

Tapi sepertimana yang selalu aku tulis. Basikal jika berhenti dikayuh pun akan jatuh jua penunggangnya. Apatah lagi kehidupan.

Allah sent me His little helpers. Everywhere. All the time. Kalau dikira-kira semula. Ya. Aku tak layak untuk sedih.

Terima kasih Allah.
Terima kasih untuk sokongan yang sentiasa ada. Doa korang untuk aku, aku yakin, berkali-kali malaikat amin kan dan doa yang sama mereka doakan untuk korang. InsyaAllah.

Aku yang esok?
Aku harap aku yang lebih baik.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Terima Kasih

Hari ke-2

masih di Tasmania. Alhamdulillah. Masih dikurniakan nafas untuk menyembahNya. Masih lagi otak mampu mengawal perasaan. walaupun sejujurnya. sukar. Menangis? pasti. belum pernah seumur hidup menangis sebanyak ini.

Alhamdulillah. Arwah pergi dengan senang dan tenang. pengurusan juga Alhamdulillah. seperti yang dikhabarkan saudara mara, sangat lancar. Alhamdulillah. seperti yang pernah kami sembang satu ketika dulu. Arwah mahu dikebumikan di Kuala Kangsar. Alhamdulillah. di sana arwah dikebumikan.

Alhamdulillah. Kasih sayang dari seluruh dunia juga merasionalkan lagi diri ini. tidak adil untuk tidak bangkit dengan kasih sayang yang terlalu banyak ini.

kala berderai. ramai yang datang mengutip. kala jatuh. ramai yang hulurkan tangan untuk membantu. kala memerlukan. dihantar orang-orang yang indah.

Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih untuk semua kata-kata. terima kasih untuk segala curahan kasih sayang.

Aku mungkin akan 'tergelincir' beberapa kali sebelum bijak meluncur. tapi aku yakin. jika tidak jatuh. tidak akan sedar erti lancar.

Terima kasih.

- E N D -

Thursday, October 24, 2013


Hari perit. Sedang hati gundah angkara submission report. Ada berita berganda lebih perit dari perit submission.  Beratus kali ganda peritnya.

Alfatihah Bapak. I always miss you. And now I miss you even more. You'll be missed.

Moga otak rational ini akan terus kekal rational. InsyaAllah. He always has a better plan. Always.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

genap setahun

cepat betul masa berlalu. sejujurnya. hampir terlupa. tahun lalu. saat ini. Ayah telah pergi. aku? sedang cuba redha dan memujuk hati bahawa semua ini qada dan qadar Allah. Antara permintaan terakhir yang tak dapat aku tunaikan, kembali semula temani dia selepas aidil adha. Banyak kali Ayah minta, untuk tunggu di Sabah sehingga raya haji, kerana sudah tidak sempat katanya. Tapi masih bersyukur kerana diberi kesempatan olehNya untuk berjumpa dan menjaganya seperti yang diminta.

Aturan Allah. Dia lebih mengetahui. Masa betul-betul membantu dalam kisah ini. Sedih itu perasaan. Perasaan itu kita yang kawal.

kad terakhir. 
Alfatihah. we always miss you Ayah. Raja Ahmad Zaki bin Raja Hirdan.

- E N D -

Monday, October 14, 2013

hari ini hari apa?

hi! yep. today is monday. dah monday hoi!!! and i sttill kinda have lots to do for final. 

and today is arafah day. the day the pilgrims do their wukuf. and for the first time after almost 10 years. sangat teringat akan hari ini balik. well. i have few stories that  i don't even have courage to tell. but after few times telling it to people. i'm getting better at dealing with it. one of em is my experience as a pilgrim myself. 

so, this year, i take arafah day quite seriously than any other years i've been alive on earth. (maybe because i am that tense, so in Him i really should put my trust unto. 

during my time, (performing Haji) most of the time had been so unreal, tense, magic, and miracle. my father was sick. he was admitted to ICU when we were there. he can't walk because the heart was too weak at that time. a simple movement can make him tired. so, he was on wheelchair almost all the time.

so my story today might be one of thousands stories you've heard about the miracle that happen in tanah haram. 

arafah day 2004.
in the tent, there's a lady ask me, where did i study, and how was my SPM? and she said, it's not too late to still pray for good result. well. i can't really concentrate on what had happen. i am scared. scared of losing. i spoke to the doctors few days ago, and they asked me to be prepare about any possibility. the worst part is when they asked me what will i do if 'it' happen. will i leave him here, or bring him back home. i've tried hard to process the thing they told me about the consequences of doing this and that, and for not doing this and that. all i could think is, "i'm too young to face this". arafah was hell cold during night time. and as the men in their ihram, they are forbid from wearing anything that sewed. i can wear jacket. but how my father gonna survive this? so my mom and i covered him with more towels. how i wish i could cover his head because it is cold. i am covered from head to toe, but it still make me shiver and to see him shiver and helpless on the wheelchair, really breaks my heart. 

so, there's a time when it is the best to do Doa during arafah day. i can see almost everyone in their depth connection with Him. and i am there watching. not praying for no reason. from afar, i look at my father, in his ihram, trying to stand i believe, but knowing that i am watching, he canceled his effort standing. he knows he'll get tired by doing just that. he even get tired by talking, so imagine what happen if he stand.

i still don't know why i am here. because my name has not yet been on the list. that is why all of us have to go private, because my father insist of me going together. and the most important, i know that i am so not ready for haji. 

but looking at my father's condition, i know why He made me His pilgrim this year. no way my mother can go through this alone. and most of the time, i am the one arranging this and that for my father. and alhamdulillah, each time i think it is impossible, He sent me someone to help me. I have a lot of beautiful people volunteer to help me all the way. Alhamdulillah. 

not long after his attempt of standing up, he waves and ask me to come closer and i go sit on the ground next to his wheelchair. he ask me whether have i recite my doa. i said no. i don't know what i want at that moment. and he said there must be something that i really want at that moment. it took me quite sometime to figure out what i really want. then i knew it straightaway. i don't want to lose him now. which i know, i can't go against qada' and qadar. so, i pray that everything will go smooth and the journey to mina would be easy. there's no way he could survive long hours in the pack bus. and i just hope for endless help through out the journey. no doa for me for the life after haji at all.

during our time queuing to get into the bus, the ustaz too had recite doa, hoping that everything will go smooth because it had been reported that the traffic is quite bad. when it is our turn to get on the bus, while my father struggling to stand, then come two men, offer to help to lift my father up, so he can just sit in his wheelchair. yes, out of nowhere. both of them are just there. and along the way, there's an awkward silent in the bus i'm in. we couldn't see any other vehicles on the road except our bus. no heavy traffic at all. and all i can see is people collecting stones alongside the road for jamrah later. it took us i maximum 15 to 20 minutes maybe. because, i don't get myself to daydreaming at all. so it was short journey.

once again, i get help from i don't know who while jamrah. my brother pair up with my mother. and i'm with my father. seems illogical. but my father insist it to be that way. but it end up, we waited for my mom and brother finish their jamrah so my brother can come along. well, you can never imagine how packed it was. and how harsh and rude people could be during hajj. they push you with no mercy, and i am kinda confuse, if this is the right way of doing it. shouldn't Islam is all about peace and harmony? why are these people reacting like a bunch of hooligan?

with the push and squeeze and punch and such, i finally lost my brother, the idea is to have him to help making some space for my father so he won't be suffocating in the sea of people. yes. i am terrified.i am just seventeen. and these people really look scary and rough. and again, out of nowhere, there's a man come and direct me. he take over the wheelchair and i just follow him. and he manage to have my father right in front the jamrah since my father don't have enough strength to throw the stones. i am still stuck at the back struggling to get nearer. and i can feel someone pull my hand, strong enough that i finally stand right next to my father's wheelchair. and the man? he vanish, just like that.

and right after jamrah, we wait for the other group to finish. and later, i notice that some of us aren't here yet. i found out that the bus that departed before us, have not yet arrive due to heavy traffic. yes, we look at each other. knowing that what had happen to us just now was miracle. we didn't see any other vehicle except ours.

that is the time i know, He answered me.

and i have a lot of other miracle experience keep happening since then.

He still answers me without fail. He gives me what  i need instead of what i want. and all these tenses, really makes me believes in Him even more. He always make me know that i never alone. He sent me bunch of beautiful people who sincerely want to be with me during my worst time, and He always help me see things to stay positive in life. yes. i am that one of 'manusia paling kuat merungut' you ever know. but seriously, thanks for staying. 

- E N D -

Tuesday, October 8, 2013


ini entry emo.

well, semalam merupakan hari aku tak bersosial langsung. housemate takde rumah whole day. FB and twitter tak bukak langsung. owh. instagram aku bukak. so bersosial la jugak. seriously, aman dunia tak bukak social media ni. sampai la pagi tadi. aku bangun tido, ada whatsapp pukul 2 lebih. aku dah tido

aku terus bukak facebook. ya. celik mata terus bukak facebook.

kisah nya begini. ada seorang lagi kawan yang berhijrah. okay. berhijrah yang dari tak pakai tudung ke pakai tudung je pun. dia tak up la gambar dia selfie dah pakai tudung ke hape ke. ada la member2 lain yang tag sebab pi event skali kan. lepas tu, banyak nya komen membina dan merundum jiwa kat situ.

aku jadi macam nak hantuk-hantuk kepala kat meja lepas baca komen.

1- apa perlu puji beria?
2- apa perlu keji beria?
3- apa perlu nasihat terbuka?

aku jenis cukup pantang bab-bab nasihat terbuka dekat internet ni. aku pnah buat jugak. sebab aku rasa budak tu biadap, tapi tu memang bukan nasihat. tu memang sound. tu pon aku up status lain khas untuk dia. in general supaya takde orang ulang silap dia.

okay balik kisah asal. kalau orang tu tiba-tiba nak berubah ke arah kebaikan, susah sangat ke kita nak gembira untuk dia? kenapa mesti persoalkan perubahan dia? baby steps omputih cakap. hidayah Allah memang kena cari. aku  tak nafikan. tapi korang punya kata-kata cacian and cercaan ni?  category apa? dugaan Allah? kenapa mesti ditegur di khalayak ramai (maksud aku di social media where everyone can read and there's a possibility that dia maybe akan malu). why?? why??

aku still ingat ada satu lagi kawan aku mengalami kisah yang lebih kurang sama masa mula-mula mahu bertutup. dia tanya "Kunang, masa aku memula pakai tudung, ko curious tak kenapa aku tetiba pakai?" aku jawab, "aah, kenapa ko tetiba pakai?" lepas tu dia jawab la reason-reason dia. lepas tu dia tanya lagi, kenapa aku tak pernah tanya dia kenapa tetiba dia pakai tudung. sebab ramai gila orang persoalkan kenapa tiba-tiba dia nak cover up.

di sini lah yang aku tak setuju nya. ye. belakang dia. aku sampai dah tak larat nak dengar orang mengumpat. orang ke arah kebaikan salah. orang ke arah keburukan lagi la seronok korang nak mengumpat kannnn...

things like, "sembahyang dah cukup ke? skinny jeans pakai jugak! tudung tak tutup dada la...pakai tudung pon nak fesyen-fesyen jugak..." etc etc...


apa lah salahnya.. galakkan dia..doakan dia agar istiqamah dengan jalan yang dipilih. nasihat dia secara peribadi dengan direct message. kenapa perlu kau 'nasihat' dia secara terbuka dekat page dia? supaya semua orang boleh baca and ambil iktibar? or supaya semua orang nampak kau lebih bagus dari orang lain? aku cepat sakit hati sikit nampak keadaan-keadaan gini. kalau aku jadi tempat aduan, lagi la aku sakit hati. cepat sangat masyarakat menilai. sebab orang-orang macam ni la yang melambatkan lagi proses orang-orang yang nak berubah ni mahu berubah. ye betul. in Him we trust. persetankan kata-kata orang.


tak semua orang kuat. kental. cekal hatinya. easier said than done people. seriously!

MENGAJAK orang ke arah kebaikan dengan MENYURUH orang ke arah kebaikan. sangat berbeza. tak perlu harsh sangat dalam proses mengajak manusia lain mencari hidayah Allah.

pernah satu ketika, aku ada kawan yang bergaduh sebab si A tak suka si B ni tak sembahyang. si A memang agak alim. nak tercabut jantung aku si A sound si B kenapa tak solat. bertekak diorang kat situ jugak. selaku the only other person yang wujud kat situ, aku pergi jugak approach si B tu. takut kang kena panah petir sekali plak, sebab lantang jawapan dia. "aku tak nak sembahyang!" rupanya. and jelas nampak, B malu. i just want to let B know that i don't give a damn dia takmo solat. but i need to know why. i discovered that si B rupanya tak pandai solat. aku ingat  lagi, "nak aku solat, ajar la..!!" ujar si B. and i was like... "okaaayyyy..."

Alhamdulillah. B istiqamah sampai sekarang. kalau keluar sama pun, dia yang akan ingatkan, "dah masuk waktu ni." perasaan aku bila dengar ayat camtu? priceless. bukan aku yang ajar dia solat. aku cuma cakap, "pergi cuba ikut dulu sembahyang dengan imam. tak tahu bacaan pun tak apa. alfatihah boleh baca kan?" Lepas tu, dia sendiri cari inisiatif perbaiki diri. serious aku happy tiap kali dia tanya apa-apa, walaupon kadang-kadang tu aku pon tak boleh jawab.

moral entry aku kali ini. tolong lah jadi manusia yang gembira dengan perubahan positive manusia lain. semua manusia boleh berubah. kenapa mesti nak kena aibkan orang dengan harapa dia akan berubah? hari ni dia baru belajar pakai tudung. ko tak boleh expect dia terus jadi ustazah. hari ni dia baru pandai sembahyang, ko tak boleh expect dia hafal whole juz amma.

ko yang dah bertahun-tahun baik sangat tu, bagus sangat ke?

- E N D -

Sunday, October 6, 2013


kadang-kadang, aku terfikir balik. kalau aku tak enrolled archi entah apa aku buat sekarang.

workload tahap melampau. internet dibuka untuk google 'how to' saja dari pagi. sekali bukak FB. ada orang kena culik kat mowbray? nak kena takut ke camne ni?

ku ada sailormoon peneman ketika bekerja. Sailormoon!!! make up!! haih...jadi sailormoon senang...ok tahyul. ada 200 episodes semuanya. sekarang? episode 46. habis 200 episodes ni mungkin la aku pandai cakap jepun kot? ini tahyul. la la la la la la...hari-hari kerja...kerja..kerja..ha ha.. T_T

- E N D -

Thursday, October 3, 2013

biar sekarang dari kemudian

Ketika sibuk berangan kerja bakal siap tepat masanya, maka demam datang menerjah.
Syukur dia datang seorang.
Memang demam semata, tapi nyata dibawa pergi sekali girang.
Badan sakit tidak terperi, seolah baru lepas mendaki.
Mungkinkah kerana kurangnya matahari?
Esok kita pergi cari pelangi. 

My current endless nightmare:

mari berjuang!

- E N D -

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

rintihan tipikal di akhir semester

nak cramp dah otak aku berangan. sudahnya. setelah beratus-ratus plan aku cuba pusing-pusing kat site tu. aku tengok lukisan paling akhir lebih kurang yang paling awal aku lukis. yaaaa... makan dah start tak hadam sempurna. mandi macam rasa tak mandi. tidur je nampaknya masih normal. kalau tak normal, aku tido pukul berapa pon, pukul 4 pagi tu sure automatic terbangun capai pen or mouse terus buat kerja. jantung tak payah cakap la, degupan huru hara.

keadaan rupa paras bilik masih terkawal. sebab aku dah banyak guna computer dari kertas. tapi idak le sekemas macam selalu. kadar keluar rumah? aku rasa macam hari jumaat je kot aku keluar. T_T tu pun sebab nak gi jumpa supervisor. putih aku lepas ni sebab tak keluar-keluar, or maybe gelap dari biasa sebab duduk tepi tingkap sepanjang hari? owh. supervisor aku pegi bercuti ke KL. selamba je report submission dah dekat. final submission dah dekat. dia tinggalkan kami di sini terumbang ambing. aku ada sedikit rasa malas nak pegi jumpa supervisor ganti aku. pasrah aku keadaan ini.

kalo ikutkan hati yang dah tak berapa nak kental ni, mungkin la aku dah kunyah pensel dan pen and rebus semua butter paper ni buat minum. aku nak kena belajar berpuas hati dengan plan sendiri. ni belum lagi kisah nak compose board. aku paling takut part compose board dek kerana graphic idea aku agak lemah bab menyusun board ni. skill ada, idea takde pon tiada gunanya.

last but not least, aku harap Allah lancarkan perjalanan kami menuju ke akhir garisan.

ni library ke flat murah? getus the other kunang in kunang. okay. scary plak aku. 
takpe. masa masih ada untuk jadikan library ini library. ceh. ayat sedapkan hati sendiri.

- E N D -