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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Tahun baru

2014

Harap menjadi lebih kuat dan positive

dan

Lebih dekat padaNya

InsyaAllah

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Kesal

Kesal is one of our inside jokes back in Tasmania anyway.

Well. For this entry. I am totally kesal. Tak pasti jika kesal is the right word though. Maybe sick?

Sejak ketiadaan Bapak, memang banyak yang kami belajar. Banyak juga yang aku berazam takkan buat perkara yang sama pada yang lain.

Banyak juga situasi yang aku tidak faham mengapa manusia masih tergamak melakukan begitu.

Tapi ya. Jika Allah tak susun begitu. Aku tak belajar.

Yang sibuk bercakap tapi tidak membantu. Yang cakap-cakapnya menyakitkan hati saja. Yang cakap-cakapnya mahu meninggi diri sahaja. Yang masih lagi SIBUK DENGAN HARTA ORANG LAIN. Jauh sekali berfikir jika perangai mereka itu sebenarnya membebankan manusia lain.

Aku kadang-kadang tak faham apa masyarakat fikir setelah kami kematian Bapak. Bukan seperti apa yang dipaparkan di kaca televisyen pastinya. Hilang ketua keluarga perkara paling buruk untuk sesebuah keluarga.

Yang pasti. Jika benar si mati tinggalkan harta untuk yang hidup sekali pun. Kenapa engkau pula yang sibuk mahu rasa nikmatnya sekali. Mengapa perlu engkau pertikai kebahagiaan mereka. Pahit mereka ada kau hadap? Getir mereka ada kau rasa?

Mungkin ada yang fikir, kesenangan itu datang bergolek.

Bandingkan pencen dengan yatim? Seriously?
Kalau aku sama bangang, aku mungkin rungkaikan semua point yang ada dalam kepala.

Mungkin aku perlu bentang semua masalah aku baru kau mahu diam?

Bercakap seperti tiada otak. Belum lagi membentang dalil-dalil agama seolah-olah orang lain tidak pernah hadap Tuhan mereka.

Dengan Tuhan pun kita perlu berusaha untuk dapatkan ganjaran.

Ya. Aku sakit hati. Kalau kawan. Aku dah putus kawan terus. Buat semak hidup saja.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Hati

Hati kita, kita sendiri yang tahu?
Ya. Tuhan juga tahu.
Mulut manusia?
Aku bersyukur aku tiada kebolehan menarik nyawa.
Khuatir mungkin pupus umat manusia jika aku punya kebolehan itu.
Ya. Pupus.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Tired

Tired.
I am tired.
Tired of wearing this facade.
Tired of being strong for others.
Tired of waking up everyday and convincing myself everthing would be okay while I know that the word okay is meaningless nowadays.
Tired of reminding myself that in difficulties theres always ease.
Tired on telling people that I have things that I have to put in the priority list.
Tired of answering questions like 'are you okay with this decision?'  Honestly, if I ever had any other better choices, I'll choose the other better choice.

Thanks to those who don't mind listening to all my rants. That's all I need at this moment. Willing listener. Not people who try to be smart and suggesting shits because they don't know my situation well enough.

Yes. I just need time to be able to be less strong. And put away this facade for a while.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Takut

Takut. Sangat.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Kosong tak bertajuk. Sibuk tak berhala tuju.

Alhamdulillah. Dengan sekali lafaz. Lop kini bergelar suami. Selama hidup tak pernah-pernah berenggang dengan Mak, akhirnya tiba jua saat itu.

Sejujurnya, perasaan aku seperti seorang abang yang lega adik perempuan nya akhirnya bertemu pasangan hidup.

Jika berasa hairan dengan statement ini. Kita belum cukup kenal.

Dia memang lah sebaik-baik perancang.

Barang shipping sampai 5 Dec lalu. Cepat. Sebab berkali-kali diingatkan yang lain. Lambat lagi.

Tiada agent digunakan kerana berbagai2 sebab. Salah satu nya. Susah nya hendak cari agent.

Maka misi terhebat dilakukan. Bersama mak. Ye. Girl power sangat hidup aku sekarang. Tapi sebenarnya, without all the random kindness, tak kemana aku ini. Ke mana saja pergi, ada saja yang menawarkan bantuan yang mengharukan. Mungkin kerana aku sahaja perempuan yang wujud di sekitar sana. Maka, segala urusan sebenarnya mudah, atau dipermudahkan?  Cuma, urusan-urusan begini agak memenatkan untuk Mak.

Untuk apa aturanNya kali ini sehingga susah benar nak cari agent? Mungkin satunya mahu aku jimat banyak, dua mungkin mahu ajar aku tiada apa yang tidak boleh, tiga pastinya mahu ingatkan aku agar jangan bimbang kerana dia akan sentiasa hantar 'pembantu' untuk aku. Dan yang pasti belajar berdiri sendiri.

Berdiri sendiri dengan teguh itu cita-cita untuk aku yang belum punya kaki yang cukup kuat.

E N D

Friday, December 6, 2013

Esok

7 disember 2013

Esok Lop nikah. Moga semua tabah. Alfatihah untuk Bapak.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Jantung hati

I always believe in this - when you can't find your own happiness, make others happy. It breaks my heart to see others sad and helpless. And my heart almost stop beating when whoever dear to my heart sad and helpless.

I need strength.

Yes. I always wish I could turn back time and change everything.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

I hate me

One of the thing that I hate about me.

I sometimes believe that I am psychic.

Whenever I had hunches. Especially about bad things. They usually just happened.

Nauzubillah.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

hati

kadang-kadang
aku sendiri tidak pasti rasa hati

aku selalu bilang pada yang lain
hidup mesti terus
MESTI

tapi aku tahu juga
moving on sebenarnya tak mudah
kadang-kadang kita takut untuk ke depan
takut akan lebih banyak yang tidak tertanggung dek hati
takut mungkinkah akan lupa terus pada yang telah tiada?
mustahil
atau mungkin takut akan rasa lebih kehilangan?
mungkin

jerit ini kekal di dalam hati tidak keluar
melihat yang lain berderai sebenarnya menyeksakan

rasa takut ini seksa
takut pada bermacam perkara yang tidak pasti
yang pasti kita pasti menyusul jua nanti
hilang itu pasti
mati itu pasti

aku dah tak pasti erti senyum sendiri
samakah wajah dengan hati?
ya. aku semakin lupa mengingatkan hati.
Allah takkan beri jika tak mampu dihadapi.

- E N D -

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Hilang lagi

Perginya seorang lagi insan yang dekat di hati. Cik Norsham Lebai Itam. Lecturer yang banyak membantu aku jadi seperti yang sekarang.

Al fatihah.

Monday, November 25, 2013

ta ya pa wau


bila dah empat lima yang cakap dengar lagu ini pasti ingat aku
mungkin itu lah nampak mereka

untuk sekarang?
aku bersyukur menjadi aku
biar berjuta kali jatuh
tetap bangun jua walau tidak segah mana
aku syukur aku introvert
aku syukur aku intp
biar la pelik di mata sejagat sekali pun
aku selesa jadi aku

sesungguhnya
apa yang ditonton di kaca televisyen
cerekarama mahupun sinetron
sedang aku lalui

yang jahat?
ramai?
sangat ramai.

ayat aku yang selalu
manusia memang jahat.
tapi kali ini, ridiculously jahat.

namun Allah imbangkan dengan kewujudan yang baik setelah hantar yang jahat

yang baik?
RAMAI.

moga mereka ini kembali ke jalan yang lurus
moga Allah terus memelihara
moga terus dibimbing untuk setiap pillihan

- E N D -

Saturday, November 23, 2013

their favourite song

jerit itu.
kekal di dalam.
tak pernah keluar.

'mind of her own' percaya mereka.

reminiscing itu pedih.

- E N D -

Friday, November 22, 2013

Dendam

Ramai yang pesan. Jangan berdendam.

Biadap itu satu pilihan. Apa guna ilmu di dada kalau hanya digunakan untuk menyalahkan yang lain? Nauzubillah.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Reminiscing

Day 2
Rasa macam dah lama sampai. Mungkin sebab dah terlalu banyak yang perlu diserap dalam satu hari. Part reminiscing paling memenatkan. Belum lagi kisah yang tak henti-henti cakap muka aku yang persis muka arwah. Terlalu banyak air mata yang perlu aku saksi, hingga air mata sendiri hilang begitu sahaja. Alhamdulillah dengan kekuatan yang dikurniakan. Tenang ini banyak merubah keadaan. Moga semuanya lancar. Moga Dia tak henti-henti hantar bantuan. Amin.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Tempat jatuh lagi dikenang

Terima kasih untuk semua memori manis
Terima kasih juga untuk semua kenangan tidak enak, aku belajar.
Terima kasih yang setia hingga ke hujungnya
Terima kasih untuk semua yang tak jemu-jemu menceriakan
Terima kasih kerana banyak membantu dalam mematangkan
Terima kasih untuk yang terus positif
Terima kasih juga untuk semua sokongan dari Launceston dan seluruh dunia

Sungguh. Pengakhiran begini, tidak langsung aku pernah jangka mendatang. Bohong jika aku kata tidak terdetik rasa kecewa atau sedih.

Tiada bukti untuk orang lihat. Boleh saja orang speculate aku hilang 3 tahun bukan pergi belajar pun. Yang pasti. Aku tahu siapa diri sendiri. Belum cukup pasti apa aku mahu untuk diri sendiri. Tapi sudah cukup pasti apa aku mahu untuk insan-insan lain. Moga itu jadi dorongan.

Semoga dipermudahkan.

*Gonna miss Launnie. Gonna miss countless merepek session with everyone. Okay. Ni je gambar yang ada, tu pun cilok Lokman. Kenalkan. Rakan-rakan sesewel. Both single, nak knal boleh PM. =p

E N D

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Campur baur, rasa

Ya. Hari pulang ke Malaysia makin hampir. Alhamdulillah,  hampir semuanya sudah selesai. Kereta, barang-barang, hak milik, dan sebagainya.

Gentar itu ada. Tapi itu perasaan. Perasaan akal yang kawal. Wahai akal. Kekal rasional, itu harapku.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Packing yang tak sudah

Kalau ikut rasa malas. Memang aku biar semua. Mula-mula konon feeling sedih nak tinggalkan launnie. Lepas tu. Rasa macam. Eh. Macam tak ready saja nak balik Malaysia. Tapi, terlalu ramai yang perlu aku.

Ya. Kata-kata 'perlu aku' itu susah untuk aku tolak. Kadang-kadang aku rasa itu ayat pancing. Tapi risau juga jika aku benar-benar diperlukan. Pernah aku tolak sekali. Aku biar saja dia kata dia perlu aku. Akhirannya? Menyesal tidak berkesudahan. Maka, selagi boleh aku ringankan beban sesiapa jua dengan hadir sebentar, aku cuba untuk hadir. Sebentar,  bukan selamanya.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

masih lagi di Tasmania

selalu saja aku  terjah blog wan chik..baca entry ini..

masih lagi rasa seperti mimpi ngeri yang aku harap tak pernah jadi.

masih banyak urusan yang belum selesai di Tasmania.

dan aku pasti banyak urusan yang menanti di Malaysia.

masih terkenang, bukan ini kisah akhir di Tasmania yang pernah aku angankan. Tapi ya. Dia lebih tahu mengapa perlu jadi begini.

kepada yang masih mahu aku look back. hentikan. bertanya dengan cas negatif mematikan persahabatan kita yang tak pernah sekukuh mana. jika aku biadap, aku sudah hampir tidak peduli jika tidak dimaafkan. guna otak bila bertanya. bukan rasa.

aku masih banyak perkara hendak disedihkan. manusia-manusia negatif sangat tidak diperlukan untuk situasi ini.

lidah lebih tajam dari pedang. pastikan ayat atau soalan itu membina bukan menjatuhkan. sekali dua boleh aku pekakkan telinga. kalau setiap kali pun menyakitkan hati, maaf, aku tak kisah tiada kau dalam senarai kawan.

kadang-kadang, aku harap mereka yang bijak bercakap ini dapat rasa apa yang aku rasa. Aku mahu lihat siapa lebih tegak berdiri.

easier said than done.

- E N D -

Monday, November 4, 2013

Hari begini

Hari begini selalunya ada ingatan suruh baca doa akhir tahun dan awal tahun.

Friday, November 1, 2013

keajaiban ini, Kau yang kurnia

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Kebaikan. Keikhlasan. Bantuan. Ihsan. Semua dariMu jua.

Tidak tergambar rasa syukur aku sekarang. Jalan dipermudahkan. Ada saja bantuan dihantar. Dari serapat-rapat manusia, ke strangers yang bersungguh-sungguh mahu menolong.

Ya. Dia lebih tahu. Random kindness tidak pernah gagal menggembirakan aku.

Rasa aku?
Lain.
Selesai presentation, memang ada perasaan missing sesuatu. Habit aku yang selalunya menelefon Bapak untuk beritahu, "Na panic ni." dan "Na dah habis. Alhamdulillah, semua okay."

Tiada.

Habit biasa semua perlu dibuang. Kenapa tak telefon Mak? Aku dah termua dengan Bapak sejujurnya. Dia lagi lega aku merungut barangkali? Mak akan serabut kalau aku merungut rasanya.

Kehilangan ini. Paling besar dalam hidup. Kalau dilihat entry blog sebelum ini, ada tercatat, doa aku pada Hari Arafah 10 tahun lalu. Lama Dia panjangkan doa aku. Cukup lama.

Maka. Aku ceritakan di sini saja. Kisah presentation tadi. Alhamdulillah. Aku tenang. Tiada sedih yang pelik-pelik datang menyerang. Nervous yang normal bila mahu present itu ada. Aku sangat terharu dengan mesej-mesej yang masuk memberi kata dorongan tanpa henti. Doa yang penuh kasih sayang. Itu sangat berharga. Yang menunggu untuk pastikan aku tidak berderai. Terima kasih untuk semuanya. Tegaknya aku sekarang barangkali doa kalian yang Allah makbulkan. Terima kasih. Panel ada 5 orang semuanya. Alhamdulillah, dengan board yang tidak seberapa, mereka sangat baik. Malah, yang paling garang juga sangat kebapaan sifatnya. Sangat penyayang cara tegurannya. Tiada langsung bunyi negatif. Bila mereka nampak aku sudah agak ke laut. Mereka pimpin semula aku ke darat. Begitu baik panel-panel tadi.

Kisah preparation untuk ke final?
Pendek cerita, nikmat Allah apa lagi yang hendak didustakan?

Dia ambil satu, dia beri semula dengan banyaknya. Terima kasih kepada yang kutip aku, yang menangis sebab tak mampu lihat aku perit, yang percaya aku pasti kuat untuk tamatkan apa yang telah dimulakan, yang mendoakan aku sentiasa, yang dalam diam-diam berdoa untuk aku, yang hadir untuk pastikan aku tidak hanyut dengan rasa sedih ini, yang sama-sama bersengkang mata meneman aku yang rapuh ini, yang tiba-tiba berubah dari manusia yang paling menjengkelkan pernah aku kenal ke manusia sangat mengharukan, yang benar-benar ambil berat dari segala sudut jua. Terima kasih. Kalian semua adalah keajaiban yang Allah kurniakan untuk aku supaya aku sedar, tiada guna untuk aku bersedih. Dia lebih tahu apa yang aku perlu. Supaya aku belajar. Ya. Aku banyak belajar. Sungguh.

Ingin aku paparkan nama-nama. Tapi tidak adil rasanya. Kerana bukan semua yang tampil ke depan menolong secara terang-terangan. Maka, rasanya cukup sekadar aku katakan, terima kasih kepada semua. Tidak terucap betapa aku bersyukur dikurniakan Allah sahabat-sahabat seperti kalian, oh, dan tidak lupa juga strangers, kita mungkin akan jadi sahabat jua nanti.

Terima Kasih.


- E N D -

Thursday, October 31, 2013

No longer positive

But its time to let people help you.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Aku yang hari ini

Aku yang hari ini.
Alhamdulillah. Syukur dengan aturan Allah. Ujian yang diturunkan ialah supaya aku lebih dekat denganNya, lebih bijak mengira rahmatnya, lebih bijak melihat perkara baik yang mendatang, husnuzon dalam setiap perkara.

Tapi. Rasa ini Dia yang beri. Diharap terus diberi rasa ini.

Tenang. Redha. Percaya.

Tipu kalau aku cakap aku tak gentar. Aku sangat gentar. Tapi hati yang dibiar remuk takkan kuat.

Doa kalian. Pertolongan kalian, mental dah fizikal. Hanya Allah yang mampu membalasnya. Semakin hari, semakin aku percaya betapa ajaib hidup ini jika benar-benar percaya dan redha padaNya. Kini aku rasa aku layak berkata, la tahzan. Allah ada. Rasa negatif itu kita yang cari. Sedih sebab terasa kehilangan itu pasti akan sentiasa ada.

Tapi sepertimana yang selalu aku tulis. Basikal jika berhenti dikayuh pun akan jatuh jua penunggangnya. Apatah lagi kehidupan.

Allah sent me His little helpers. Everywhere. All the time. Kalau dikira-kira semula. Ya. Aku tak layak untuk sedih.

Terima kasih Allah.
Terima kasih untuk sokongan yang sentiasa ada. Doa korang untuk aku, aku yakin, berkali-kali malaikat amin kan dan doa yang sama mereka doakan untuk korang. InsyaAllah.

Aku yang esok?
Aku harap aku yang lebih baik.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Terima Kasih

Hari ke-2

masih di Tasmania. Alhamdulillah. Masih dikurniakan nafas untuk menyembahNya. Masih lagi otak mampu mengawal perasaan. walaupun sejujurnya. sukar. Menangis? pasti. belum pernah seumur hidup menangis sebanyak ini.

Alhamdulillah. Arwah pergi dengan senang dan tenang. pengurusan juga Alhamdulillah. seperti yang dikhabarkan saudara mara, sangat lancar. Alhamdulillah. seperti yang pernah kami sembang satu ketika dulu. Arwah mahu dikebumikan di Kuala Kangsar. Alhamdulillah. di sana arwah dikebumikan.

Alhamdulillah. Kasih sayang dari seluruh dunia juga merasionalkan lagi diri ini. tidak adil untuk tidak bangkit dengan kasih sayang yang terlalu banyak ini.

kala berderai. ramai yang datang mengutip. kala jatuh. ramai yang hulurkan tangan untuk membantu. kala memerlukan. dihantar orang-orang yang indah.

Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih untuk semua kata-kata. terima kasih untuk segala curahan kasih sayang.

Aku mungkin akan 'tergelincir' beberapa kali sebelum bijak meluncur. tapi aku yakin. jika tidak jatuh. tidak akan sedar erti lancar.

Terima kasih.

- E N D -

Thursday, October 24, 2013

24102013

Hari perit. Sedang hati gundah angkara submission report. Ada berita berganda lebih perit dari perit submission.  Beratus kali ganda peritnya.

Alfatihah Bapak. I always miss you. And now I miss you even more. You'll be missed.

Moga otak rational ini akan terus kekal rational. InsyaAllah. He always has a better plan. Always.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

genap setahun

cepat betul masa berlalu. sejujurnya. hampir terlupa. tahun lalu. saat ini. Ayah telah pergi. aku? sedang cuba redha dan memujuk hati bahawa semua ini qada dan qadar Allah. Antara permintaan terakhir yang tak dapat aku tunaikan, kembali semula temani dia selepas aidil adha. Banyak kali Ayah minta, untuk tunggu di Sabah sehingga raya haji, kerana sudah tidak sempat katanya. Tapi masih bersyukur kerana diberi kesempatan olehNya untuk berjumpa dan menjaganya seperti yang diminta.

Aturan Allah. Dia lebih mengetahui. Masa betul-betul membantu dalam kisah ini. Sedih itu perasaan. Perasaan itu kita yang kawal.

kad terakhir. 
Alfatihah. we always miss you Ayah. Raja Ahmad Zaki bin Raja Hirdan.


- E N D -

Monday, October 14, 2013

hari ini hari apa?

hi! yep. today is monday. dah monday hoi!!! and i sttill kinda have lots to do for final. 

and today is arafah day. the day the pilgrims do their wukuf. and for the first time after almost 10 years. sangat teringat akan hari ini balik. well. i have few stories that  i don't even have courage to tell. but after few times telling it to people. i'm getting better at dealing with it. one of em is my experience as a pilgrim myself. 

so, this year, i take arafah day quite seriously than any other years i've been alive on earth. (maybe because i am that tense, so in Him i really should put my trust unto. 

during my time, (performing Haji) most of the time had been so unreal, tense, magic, and miracle. my father was sick. he was admitted to ICU when we were there. he can't walk because the heart was too weak at that time. a simple movement can make him tired. so, he was on wheelchair almost all the time.

so my story today might be one of thousands stories you've heard about the miracle that happen in tanah haram. 

arafah day 2004.
in the tent, there's a lady ask me, where did i study, and how was my SPM? and she said, it's not too late to still pray for good result. well. i can't really concentrate on what had happen. i am scared. scared of losing. i spoke to the doctors few days ago, and they asked me to be prepare about any possibility. the worst part is when they asked me what will i do if 'it' happen. will i leave him here, or bring him back home. i've tried hard to process the thing they told me about the consequences of doing this and that, and for not doing this and that. all i could think is, "i'm too young to face this". arafah was hell cold during night time. and as the men in their ihram, they are forbid from wearing anything that sewed. i can wear jacket. but how my father gonna survive this? so my mom and i covered him with more towels. how i wish i could cover his head because it is cold. i am covered from head to toe, but it still make me shiver and to see him shiver and helpless on the wheelchair, really breaks my heart. 

so, there's a time when it is the best to do Doa during arafah day. i can see almost everyone in their depth connection with Him. and i am there watching. not praying for no reason. from afar, i look at my father, in his ihram, trying to stand i believe, but knowing that i am watching, he canceled his effort standing. he knows he'll get tired by doing just that. he even get tired by talking, so imagine what happen if he stand.

i still don't know why i am here. because my name has not yet been on the list. that is why all of us have to go private, because my father insist of me going together. and the most important, i know that i am so not ready for haji. 

but looking at my father's condition, i know why He made me His pilgrim this year. no way my mother can go through this alone. and most of the time, i am the one arranging this and that for my father. and alhamdulillah, each time i think it is impossible, He sent me someone to help me. I have a lot of beautiful people volunteer to help me all the way. Alhamdulillah. 

not long after his attempt of standing up, he waves and ask me to come closer and i go sit on the ground next to his wheelchair. he ask me whether have i recite my doa. i said no. i don't know what i want at that moment. and he said there must be something that i really want at that moment. it took me quite sometime to figure out what i really want. then i knew it straightaway. i don't want to lose him now. which i know, i can't go against qada' and qadar. so, i pray that everything will go smooth and the journey to mina would be easy. there's no way he could survive long hours in the pack bus. and i just hope for endless help through out the journey. no doa for me for the life after haji at all.

during our time queuing to get into the bus, the ustaz too had recite doa, hoping that everything will go smooth because it had been reported that the traffic is quite bad. when it is our turn to get on the bus, while my father struggling to stand, then come two men, offer to help to lift my father up, so he can just sit in his wheelchair. yes, out of nowhere. both of them are just there. and along the way, there's an awkward silent in the bus i'm in. we couldn't see any other vehicles on the road except our bus. no heavy traffic at all. and all i can see is people collecting stones alongside the road for jamrah later. it took us i maximum 15 to 20 minutes maybe. because, i don't get myself to daydreaming at all. so it was short journey.

once again, i get help from i don't know who while jamrah. my brother pair up with my mother. and i'm with my father. seems illogical. but my father insist it to be that way. but it end up, we waited for my mom and brother finish their jamrah so my brother can come along. well, you can never imagine how packed it was. and how harsh and rude people could be during hajj. they push you with no mercy, and i am kinda confuse, if this is the right way of doing it. shouldn't Islam is all about peace and harmony? why are these people reacting like a bunch of hooligan?

with the push and squeeze and punch and such, i finally lost my brother, the idea is to have him to help making some space for my father so he won't be suffocating in the sea of people. yes. i am terrified.i am just seventeen. and these people really look scary and rough. and again, out of nowhere, there's a man come and direct me. he take over the wheelchair and i just follow him. and he manage to have my father right in front the jamrah since my father don't have enough strength to throw the stones. i am still stuck at the back struggling to get nearer. and i can feel someone pull my hand, strong enough that i finally stand right next to my father's wheelchair. and the man? he vanish, just like that.

and right after jamrah, we wait for the other group to finish. and later, i notice that some of us aren't here yet. i found out that the bus that departed before us, have not yet arrive due to heavy traffic. yes, we look at each other. knowing that what had happen to us just now was miracle. we didn't see any other vehicle except ours.

that is the time i know, He answered me.

and i have a lot of other miracle experience keep happening since then.

today.
He still answers me without fail. He gives me what  i need instead of what i want. and all these tenses, really makes me believes in Him even more. He always make me know that i never alone. He sent me bunch of beautiful people who sincerely want to be with me during my worst time, and He always help me see things to stay positive in life. yes. i am that one of 'manusia paling kuat merungut' you ever know. but seriously, thanks for staying. 

- E N D -

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

nasihat

ini entry emo.

well, semalam merupakan hari aku tak bersosial langsung. housemate takde rumah whole day. FB and twitter tak bukak langsung. owh. instagram aku bukak. so bersosial la jugak. seriously, aman dunia tak bukak social media ni. sampai la pagi tadi. aku bangun tido, ada whatsapp pukul 2 lebih. aku dah tido

aku terus bukak facebook. ya. celik mata terus bukak facebook.

kisah nya begini. ada seorang lagi kawan yang berhijrah. okay. berhijrah yang dari tak pakai tudung ke pakai tudung je pun. dia tak up la gambar dia selfie dah pakai tudung ke hape ke. ada la member2 lain yang tag sebab pi event skali kan. lepas tu, banyak nya komen membina dan merundum jiwa kat situ.

aku jadi macam nak hantuk-hantuk kepala kat meja lepas baca komen.

1- apa perlu puji beria?
2- apa perlu keji beria?
3- apa perlu nasihat terbuka?

aku jenis cukup pantang bab-bab nasihat terbuka dekat internet ni. aku pnah buat jugak. sebab aku rasa budak tu biadap, tapi tu memang bukan nasihat. tu memang sound. tu pon aku up status lain khas untuk dia. in general supaya takde orang ulang silap dia.

okay balik kisah asal. kalau orang tu tiba-tiba nak berubah ke arah kebaikan, susah sangat ke kita nak gembira untuk dia? kenapa mesti persoalkan perubahan dia? baby steps omputih cakap. hidayah Allah memang kena cari. aku  tak nafikan. tapi korang punya kata-kata cacian and cercaan ni?  category apa? dugaan Allah? kenapa mesti ditegur di khalayak ramai (maksud aku di social media where everyone can read and there's a possibility that dia maybe akan malu). why?? why??

aku still ingat ada satu lagi kawan aku mengalami kisah yang lebih kurang sama masa mula-mula mahu bertutup. dia tanya "Kunang, masa aku memula pakai tudung, ko curious tak kenapa aku tetiba pakai?" aku jawab, "aah, kenapa ko tetiba pakai?" lepas tu dia jawab la reason-reason dia. lepas tu dia tanya lagi, kenapa aku tak pernah tanya dia kenapa tetiba dia pakai tudung. sebab ramai gila orang persoalkan kenapa tiba-tiba dia nak cover up.

di sini lah yang aku tak setuju nya. ye. belakang dia. aku sampai dah tak larat nak dengar orang mengumpat. orang ke arah kebaikan salah. orang ke arah keburukan lagi la seronok korang nak mengumpat kannnn...

things like, "sembahyang dah cukup ke? skinny jeans pakai jugak! tudung tak tutup dada la...pakai tudung pon nak fesyen-fesyen jugak..." etc etc...

haih.

apa lah salahnya.. galakkan dia..doakan dia agar istiqamah dengan jalan yang dipilih. nasihat dia secara peribadi dengan direct message. kenapa perlu kau 'nasihat' dia secara terbuka dekat page dia? supaya semua orang boleh baca and ambil iktibar? or supaya semua orang nampak kau lebih bagus dari orang lain? aku cepat sakit hati sikit nampak keadaan-keadaan gini. kalau aku jadi tempat aduan, lagi la aku sakit hati. cepat sangat masyarakat menilai. sebab orang-orang macam ni la yang melambatkan lagi proses orang-orang yang nak berubah ni mahu berubah. ye betul. in Him we trust. persetankan kata-kata orang.

tapi....

tak semua orang kuat. kental. cekal hatinya. easier said than done people. seriously!

MENGAJAK orang ke arah kebaikan dengan MENYURUH orang ke arah kebaikan. sangat berbeza. tak perlu harsh sangat dalam proses mengajak manusia lain mencari hidayah Allah.

pernah satu ketika, aku ada kawan yang bergaduh sebab si A tak suka si B ni tak sembahyang. si A memang agak alim. nak tercabut jantung aku si A sound si B kenapa tak solat. bertekak diorang kat situ jugak. selaku the only other person yang wujud kat situ, aku pergi jugak approach si B tu. takut kang kena panah petir sekali plak, sebab lantang jawapan dia. "aku tak nak sembahyang!" rupanya. and jelas nampak, B malu. i just want to let B know that i don't give a damn dia takmo solat. but i need to know why. i discovered that si B rupanya tak pandai solat. aku ingat  lagi, "nak aku solat, ajar la..!!" ujar si B. and i was like... "okaaayyyy..."

Alhamdulillah. B istiqamah sampai sekarang. kalau keluar sama pun, dia yang akan ingatkan, "dah masuk waktu ni." perasaan aku bila dengar ayat camtu? priceless. bukan aku yang ajar dia solat. aku cuma cakap, "pergi cuba ikut dulu sembahyang dengan imam. tak tahu bacaan pun tak apa. alfatihah boleh baca kan?" Lepas tu, dia sendiri cari inisiatif perbaiki diri. serious aku happy tiap kali dia tanya apa-apa, walaupon kadang-kadang tu aku pon tak boleh jawab.

moral entry aku kali ini. tolong lah jadi manusia yang gembira dengan perubahan positive manusia lain. semua manusia boleh berubah. kenapa mesti nak kena aibkan orang dengan harapa dia akan berubah? hari ni dia baru belajar pakai tudung. ko tak boleh expect dia terus jadi ustazah. hari ni dia baru pandai sembahyang, ko tak boleh expect dia hafal whole juz amma.

ko yang dah bertahun-tahun baik sangat tu, bagus sangat ke?

- E N D -

Sunday, October 6, 2013

seriously.

kadang-kadang, aku terfikir balik. kalau aku tak enrolled archi entah apa aku buat sekarang.

workload tahap melampau. internet dibuka untuk google 'how to' saja dari pagi. sekali bukak FB. ada orang kena culik kat mowbray? nak kena takut ke camne ni?

ku ada sailormoon peneman ketika bekerja. Sailormoon!!! make up!! haih...jadi sailormoon senang...ok tahyul. ada 200 episodes semuanya. sekarang? episode 46. habis 200 episodes ni mungkin la aku pandai cakap jepun kot? ini tahyul. la la la la la la...hari-hari kerja...kerja..kerja..ha ha.. T_T

- E N D -

Thursday, October 3, 2013

biar sekarang dari kemudian



Ketika sibuk berangan kerja bakal siap tepat masanya, maka demam datang menerjah.
Syukur dia datang seorang.
Memang demam semata, tapi nyata dibawa pergi sekali girang.
Badan sakit tidak terperi, seolah baru lepas mendaki.
Mungkinkah kerana kurangnya matahari?
Esok kita pergi cari pelangi. 




My current endless nightmare:



mari berjuang!


- E N D -

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

rintihan tipikal di akhir semester

nak cramp dah otak aku berangan. sudahnya. setelah beratus-ratus plan aku cuba pusing-pusing kat site tu. aku tengok lukisan paling akhir lebih kurang yang paling awal aku lukis. yaaaa... makan dah start tak hadam sempurna. mandi macam rasa tak mandi. tidur je nampaknya masih normal. kalau tak normal, aku tido pukul berapa pon, pukul 4 pagi tu sure automatic terbangun capai pen or mouse terus buat kerja. jantung tak payah cakap la, degupan huru hara.

keadaan rupa paras bilik masih terkawal. sebab aku dah banyak guna computer dari kertas. tapi idak le sekemas macam selalu. kadar keluar rumah? aku rasa macam hari jumaat je kot aku keluar. T_T tu pun sebab nak gi jumpa supervisor. putih aku lepas ni sebab tak keluar-keluar, or maybe gelap dari biasa sebab duduk tepi tingkap sepanjang hari? owh. supervisor aku pegi bercuti ke KL. selamba je report submission dah dekat. final submission dah dekat. dia tinggalkan kami di sini terumbang ambing. aku ada sedikit rasa malas nak pegi jumpa supervisor ganti aku. pasrah aku keadaan ini.

kalo ikutkan hati yang dah tak berapa nak kental ni, mungkin la aku dah kunyah pensel dan pen and rebus semua butter paper ni buat minum. aku nak kena belajar berpuas hati dengan plan sendiri. ni belum lagi kisah nak compose board. aku paling takut part compose board dek kerana graphic idea aku agak lemah bab menyusun board ni. skill ada, idea takde pon tiada gunanya.

last but not least, aku harap Allah lancarkan perjalanan kami menuju ke akhir garisan.

ni library ke flat murah? getus the other kunang in kunang. okay. scary plak aku. 
takpe. masa masih ada untuk jadikan library ini library. ceh. ayat sedapkan hati sendiri.


- E N D -

Monday, September 30, 2013

harap mampu terus kuat

penat
itu yang sebenarnya
bersyukur kerana sentiasa dikurniakanNya manusia-manusia indah
yang mahu bantu sepenuh jiwa
jika bukan kerana mereka
mungkin habis semua lukisan aku lempar ke lautan.
kesusahan mengingatkan betapa ajaib hidup ini
yang penting terus mara tidak kira apa pun.

*naik basikal pun kalau berhenti mengayuh pasti jatuh, apatah lagi kehidupan.

- E N D -

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

sitting in the corner

yesterday, we had workshop, career workshop where UTAS invited most of the known professionals, some of them are architects, and some just someone who used to study architecture but don't practice it but yet, still success in what they they are doing now.

so, sementara sesi makan-makan pagi berjalan. i was sitting in the corner until this one guy approach me, "hey, you should mingle and make connections." and i was like "and what the hell are you doing here? making connections with me?" ok..tipu..tu monolog dalaman. tapi aku biar je la dia duduk skali kat corner tu ngan aku. nasib baik tak sempat awkward moment, ada je la kawan-kawan asian lain yang datang tegur and sembang. aku tak mampu bertahan sket awkward silent.

sampai la sampai macam dah agak lama takde sape datang tegur dah. aku pon start tanya dia. "kenapa hang tak pi get connected?" sebab dia macam ramah je aku tengok. " i don't socialize much." ringkas. aku dah boleh agak dah mamat ni sejenis aku dah ni. manusia berselirat agak memenatkan otak aku. lepas tu dia tanya, "which group are you going to join later?" aku cakap aku suka multidisciplinary. lepas tu dia buat suggestion ngok "let's go the the largest group, where most people go, then we can just sit and listen," aku tatau nak buat muka camne. tapi boleh tahan mamat ni merapu. tak pnah bercakap, dapat cakap terus merapu haaa..dia local. tapi aku tak paham kenapa dia tak bercampur sangat. so aku simpulkan, ni memang stok malas bercampur la ni.

owh yaaa...ada ramai yang datang semalam, ada 2 professionals yang mendapat sambutan hangat sket la, sorang handsome gila macam baru keluar magazine, yang sorang lagi hot macam Rachel Zane. Lepas tu mamat sebelah tu ngomel-ngomel lagi, "macam mana nak famous ni, pandai sahaja macam tak cukup, macam kena jadi hot stuff jugak baru boleh naik cepat." lepas tu dia pon dok boh segala nama architect yang famous2. betul la tu. majority pandai, digabungkan hot or hipster, beserta ego tinggi tak menahan. aku mampu telan2 air liur je dengar. dok teringat balik, kat Malaysia pon mende sama jugak. T_T.  aku pnah design hotel ni, director hotel tu cakap ngan budak lagi sorang yang ikut aku, sampai la boss aku sound, "she's the one who's gonna design all these things," (oke..ni kisah inferior tak tentu hala, ni semua aku rasa rentetan perbincangan dengan ska smalam pasal kejayaan orang lain, stok-stok cantik with brain ni, paham dak? sebab jarang beno nak dengar org tu tak hot, tapi famous.)

so. sebelum aku blah. aku usya balik betul-betul mamat tadi. eh. ko comel je kot! laju je aku cakap. "hey, don't worry, you're not that bad. it just that you have to really mingle around and make connections, see you around"

masuk je group yang aku pilih tadi, jumpa balik mamat tadi, dia tanya, " you don't really attracted to attractive people aren't you?"

"he is attractive, and this is not the largest group, why are you here?" sambil duduk, sambil tengok speaker group aku. tak hensem langsung. hipster la kot sket2. connections yang penting. tetiba ada satu part tu, speaker aku cakap, "kalo ko sedar ko tak attractive, ko cari connections yang tak kisah pon ko rupa macam mana."

motip?

mamat tadi pandang aku, aku pandang dia balik. ni nak cakap kitorang hodoh ke apa ni?

*rasa nak lari ke bucu bilik.

- E N D -

who are you?

it's surprising how people changed and changing. to better or worse. i am surprise.
who are you?
i prefer the old you.

and i won't change, just because you have changed.

sincerely,
me.

- E N D -

Monday, September 23, 2013

500 days of summer

i can't really remember the last time i watched 500 days of summer before last 3 weeks. but one thing i am sure, is that, i m so on Summer's side.

i kinda hate the movie now and to the fact that i only watched it long time ago because i would want to watch that cute Joseph Gordon Levitt in it. yes. i know. pathetic. and i just didn't get it why i felt differently back then when i watched it.

except for that sizzling hot physical thing that Summer had, i do possess almost all the quality in summer. yes. the bad quality of it. i do make friends through music. most of the time. i did.

so this is an entry  from my point of view about this kind of girl. i mean Summer kind. and yes. it's about me.

in my point of view, we shouldn't really blame Summer , she did mentioned earlier about the casualty of the relationship. he should have understood from the very beginning. she's not that cold hard bitch. she just don't want to develop that wrong feelings towards unnecessary person. she did have a boyfriend before she met Tom Hensen, because those friends that she had, are friends that she never put in that special friendzone list like what she did to Tom. I do have friends who i knew like me, and from the very beginning been warned about never expect anything from me and it turn out they tried hard to break the walls and before they succeed breaking the wall, i m gone forever, and some of them just changed to the meanest creature on earth. scary eh how people on earth actually live? hmmm... and i do have a lot of friends that i did not put in my 'special friendzone list', but, it seems like, its either they are too afraid to ask me about getting serious, or they just someone's boyfriend. well, this happen to me with one of my boy bestfriend. he got engaged. and suddenly few weeks before the marriage, he got confused maybe, and said that he loves me more than anyone else in the world. and my inner thoughts went: 'so, why didn't you ask before? you already asked other woman to be your other half. it's too late buddy!"

but, it just an inner thought,
i answered stuff like,"no, we've spent too much time together. so, i think you are confuse." until the day i knew the wedding was called off. i was shocked to death. but still.  im sorry, i did like you before,, i mean there's a potential that i might say yes if you asked me about getting serious before, but it's too late now. i m not ready to be your option. i rather be with my maniac 'fans,/stalkers' or whatever you called it, rather than be your option. (yes, i know, bajet sangat ada peminat!)

and gossip really won't work towards me. i'll never take it seriously. i'll just assume that people would happy to see us together. and the real fact is. either i am too polite to say 'hell no, i won't have heart for that guy!' or vice versa.  there's one gossip back Malaysia where i kinda know that this guy really had feelings for me too, (see, i like him too! magic!) but, he never asked me but he kept asking my friends about me instead. knowing me, my close friends would say, don't take risk to anyone who would want to try. and it end up. no he didn't ask me. he got engaged with some other woman now. and  i still remember those days when i kinda said to my friends stuff like "leave me alone, you guys are not helping at all, i like him before you told me this, but now i hate him because he asked my friend about my feelings before he asked me." and since then, they rarely make decisions for me. although they always worried about me crushing someone's heart.

being nice towards me as well meant nothing. i'll just assume that you're nice. because i am nice towards others too without expecting anything in return.

so, the conclusion for this entry is, if you like someone. let them know. there's no taboo to that. there's no harm doing that. i do have friends who confessed and still my best friend until now, and he got married and now he comes in package with his wife and their daughter to be part of good thing that happened in my life. if she's really your friend, they won't leave you. but yeah, i understand alter ego, it would be awkward later, but trust me, this kind of girl, they don't judge.  or by any chance they might like you too. ask. you are the man. be serious when you say it, because this kind of girls, they never take anything seriously, until they were told that it is serious. why should men make the first move? i'll say because it is necessary, you are the one who's gonna lead us one day. if we end up married anyway.

hint won't work, being nice won't work, or any other gesture just don't work. until it is confirmed. then they will let themselves develop themselves in loving you back. if they say no. then the answer will be no. stop forcing. yes, you can try for the second time. but if that doesn't work too. stop it before they start using you and stop value your friendship.

so, all in all. i am writing this on behalf all the women n girls out there who always mistakenly judge as cold bitch by everyone. Our feeling are priceless. we won't develop it for someone who don't deserve our sincerity. love us sincerely, and don't forget to remain as our best friend.

* i just lost a friend. and i don't know if he even was.
** i just feel like i need to write this entry. i always feel that man is the most complicated human being. yes. i know. everyone seems to agree more on how complicated a woman can be.
*** aku tengah tak paham keadaan yang berlaku

- E N D -

Sunday, September 22, 2013

wrap up minggu ini.

just like what i've been babbling in my previous post about how hectic my week was...so...it is finally over...i mean for the interim part...it is not really that over, over. but at least, i may have time for myself and be normal human being again and have my heart pumping at it's normal beat.

like one of my friend said. 'kita ni burung hantu pencen.' i couln't agree more. stay up late at night or sleepless night sounds irrelevant to me these days. so, it was always a 2am to 5am sleep, or 12 to 5 am sleep. no matter what. i will surely sleep, at least 3hours per day. or else my work pace will become slower, and the design product will be just rubbish.

the conclusion for last Friday's interim. they were all fine with my idea. and they're not okay with the way i presented my board. to be honest, i became more passive each day and i don't know why. it just that, it's easier that way. i speak up when people ask question. i did babbling, ranting, and all those speaking thingy, but only with certain people. my lecturers complained that i am too shy and keep blocking people from getting inside my head. and they have these people, judging by  my appearance maybe, or my character or i don't know what, they do have this belief that i might be really good with hand drawing which i'm not. mat saleh ni kadang-kadang pelik, they got amazed by your scratchy sketches, and that is just...euwww...stop it...but yep. it seems like i have to give them what they want.  i'll work out my sketch skill and have the elevations and sections that they always wanted.



nah. jemput tengok idea awal library aku yang kononnya special sangat. ramp bersepah habaq ang. the external panel did say, ' i think you really love seattle library, have you been there?' and i was like,..'urm, not yet..' i am that 'lucky last' as they called it to present during interim..sebelum tu pakcik tu (the external panel) dah hamukan dekat satu student, aku dah tak tentu arah. Alhamdulillah, during my time, they were all okay, helpful with ideas, and diorang macam paham la, aku ni memang pemalu, lepas tu nasihat lama gila, dari aku berdiri, smpai aku tarik kerusi duduk sebab rasa nak pitam berdiri lama sangat. so, overall Alhamdulillah. tak kna bambu sehingga mendatangkan rasa down. haha. and right after submission, i went to see budak yang kena bambu kaw kaw tadi, rasa nak tolong nangis untuk dia, sebab dia smpai tak bersuara sebab tahan nangis. aku mana boleh tengok kejadian begini. haih.

kepada yang membantu membakar semangat. terima kasih. kepada yang tak paham2 aku busy nak pandang kiri kanan pon tak sempat, terima kasih sebab make it clear that i don't need you in my life anymore.

- E N D -

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

kurang lebih. 30 jam.

jumaat interim. esok submit. apa aku buat sini?

aku dah nak meroyan. dah tahap membebel sorang-sorang. punya masalah susah focus. berangan banyak sangat. or sebenar nya mental aku dah terlalu penat. buat drawing je pon kunang!

kisah semalam yang lebih menyerabutkan. "kakak, mama cakap terima kasih."
kenapa aku kena tahu? damn.

- E N D -

Monday, September 16, 2013

sebelum senang

new entry means new rant. and these complaints series sound almost the same. 

kisah tak puas hati dengan kehidupan.

i have less than 24hrs before next meeting with my supervisor. went to see her this morning, and from the comments, i reckon she expects wonders for tomorrow. 3 jam dah bazir tidur tadi akibat malam semalam tido tak berkualiti. lebih 2 jam tenung plan sebab dah tatau mana lagi nak diusik. aku rasa dia comment banyak tadi. keyword hari ni : dungeon. 'it's like you're throwing the kids into the dungeon.' jawapan aku? "it's safer down there~" supervisor blah sat, ada je bunyi-bunyi sumbang dari group mates seperti  "it's my design, i like it, i want to do it my way." 

pfftttt..getus hatiku. (aku excited tiap kali guna perkataan getus, aku tatau kenapa. maybe sebab masa sekolah aku belum ada vocab tu? kesian?)  nak cakap macam tu jugak rasanya. haha. tapi aku 'care' kehendak 'client' aku. gittew. alter ego architect aku....?tinggi. tapi tak cukup tinggi.

semalam CAD file crash. aku rasa nak crash semua benda. rasa nak bunuh orang pun ada. tapi bermuram durja tiada gunanya. kuteruskan juga kehidupan yang tak tentu destinasi ini. 

kasihan siapa-siapa yang cuba menunjukkan kasih sayang semalam. housemate la tu. aku tak boleh dengar sekelumit suara pon sebab sakit hati CAD file crush. rasa nak baling barang. sebab otak aku ligat  fikir macam mana nak recover file, nak suruh aku fikir cara nak respond pada kasih sayang ko pulak? aku rant pun aku tak bagi kawan aku respond. hasilnya, depa cakap. 'keep calm and carry on Kunang.' aku rasa bijak la respond tu. babak-babak kasihan dan simpati tak berapa nak work untuk aku.

esok? mari lah selesaikan mana yang belum selesai. let's decide where to start from. and just go. 

bak kata Helen, "hang ni boleh dak promote kelebihan hang instead of sibuk habaq kat aku masalah apa lagi hat belum selesai? ni aku dok lagi suka projek hang dari hang ni pecer?" ok. tipu. Helen cakap omputih. tapi time dia cakap tadi, automatic otak aku digest keluar loghat Penang lenggok mami.

total masa bazir? maybe 12 jam. 5 jam tadi. sebentar lagi buang masa cari jawapan. blog. tido. 7 jam. 12 jam la tu. betul-betul focus? ko kira la sendiri Kunang.




current obsession. tak obsess sangat la. sape nak bagi kepala untuk aku test?
- E N D -

Saturday, September 14, 2013

foodie? not.

it's already spring here in Australia. and in Launceston, we still have that -2degree weather at night. with that kind of weather, it's so hard for me to get out from the duvet. with the interim thingy that will be happening next week, it is a stressful week i must say with the freezing weather. Sometimes, i wonder if my Subuh prayers all this while were 'sah'. menggigil macam hape je kot. T_T.

Last night, i was worried about today. will i be able to be that morning person again? aha. So, i made myself a motivation plan. i'm so in love with this vegan laksa by garden of vegan. they have a restaurant. but i still fail to find the location of the restaurant, so, the easiest way is to get em during harvest market on saturday. i was like 'okayyy,  i will wake up early for that yummy laksa? you badly want it right kunang? so, wake up early for it!' nampak tak motivasi aku mudah sangat...makanan yang sedap... T_T then tak payah complain kenapa makin lama makin gemuk. 

well i nearly gave it up. it's super cold this morning, and stay in bed seems the most relevant thing to do. tapi. kugagahkan jua demi laksa ini. so here it is. vegan laksa! the look was not so impressive. but the taste was nice..and it's for vegan...healthy eh? they also sell desserts and cake and some other foods i can't recall, because all im focusing on was only their laksa..haha..all vegan...for the cakes and desserts, i think they are a bit pricey considering the portion, but it's healthy, people just bought em anyway. for the laksa, it costs 9aud. tapi super kenyang. and next time, i'm planning on bringing my own cutlery. sudu dia tak best. susah aku nak hirup kuah dia yang sedap. the best part was, when there's a couple asked to join in the table, tetiba diorang bawak keluar cutlery sendiri, speechless. aku baru fikir nak buat, dah ada orang buat. so, next time, boleh buat la...takde la rasa macam tak senonoh sangat. and they were like reciting a mantra or whatever they called it before eating their food, trust me , i tried hard not to make funny face, tapi, muka daku, agak obvious bila hairan. haih. maaf la...it's a free country anyway, you may practice whatever you want to practice. i don't mind. i terkejut saja. hihihi. 


and......for the first time....i made tiramisu.....pahit...T_T....but i forgive myself as it's my first time. next time i believe i can make a better tiramisu...hahahhaa...kesian tukang-tukang makan...hahaha....tahu dah camne nak kasi sedap next time..next time buat, maybe la lepas makan, terus orang mintak aku bukak kedai jual kek ke???. hahahhaa...here the close up of the tiramisu layer..



with nice food, there's no reason for not being happy. right?

- E N D -

Thursday, September 12, 2013

freezing thursday

i'm not sure whether it is really cold outside...or it is just me...i am all wrapped up like chicken slice in kebab pita bread...

so..yesterday was the day i bid farewell to ADR (Advance Design Research) .. hope everything will goes well. now, i can concentrate on PP (Professional Project).. as usual.. i am in that panic mode...and not deciding what i would want to do with my design thingy. well, i do have plans that work. but it seems too safe at the moment, too safe here mean a plan that u can't like nor hate. it happen all the time anyway to any random archi students. so, i had that 'krik krik' moment yesterday during ADR presentation and i hate it. T_T please be ok... i can't stand living another year here in Launceston. NO.

back to PP,  my last tute session was...hmm..i don't know how to explain it....but...the lecturers did ask for crazy models...and i was like...what?? i only have that not so crazy 3D images that i've produced last night. and i don't have enough time to give you new 'crazy' model each time we have tute session. and my supervisor seems to have that belief that i love to make models...and i have the potential to make these fancy design thingy. thanks for the impression? T_T now im in dilemma whether to stay safe or just design crazily without thinking stuff like "chop, kalo building ni terbakar, orang nak lari kot mana?"

it took me forever to decide. O Allah, give me strength!

- E N D -

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

failed

azam tahun baru hari tu yang konon nya takmo beli buku dah. boleh la bawak azam tu pegi tahun depan pulak. kot la dah kerja nanti aku busy sampai tak sempat survey buku.

dah tak pegi bookshop, hujung jari pon jalan.

haih.

- E N D -

Monday, September 9, 2013

mahar

okay. mari discuss issue lebih dewasa. kisah mahar perkahwinan. issue hantaran yang tinggi macam tak pernah ada kesudahan dibincangkan.

pertama sekali, kita petik dulu satu sabda Rasulullah SAW yang lebih kurang bermaksud :

Sebaik-baik wanita adalah yang elok rupanya dan yang paling rendah maharnya ( riwayat mana tak sure, sila check)

entry ni, trigger nya dari repost ini dari seorang kawan lelaki di facebook.


statement begini, pasti membuatkan ramai kaum hawa melatah, dan sedikit berkecil hati dengan susun atur ayat. konteks isi yang hendak disampaikan mudah, "worth it kah perempuan ini sehingga perlu dia dilaburkan sedemikian harga?"

sungguh, ramai yang melatah. baik lelaki mahupun perempuan. dari latahan, kita sendiri boleh lihat, warna apa yang cuba dipamerkan oleh setiap individu.

kita kembali kepada sabda Rasulullah SAW. kisah wanita yang terbaik untuk dijadikan isteri ialah yang paling rendah maharnya. bercakap sebagai seorang perempuan, sungguh, untuk saya, wang hantaran yang tinggi tidak menjanjikan apa-apa. hantaran untuk hari ini lebih kepada menyahut bunyi-bunyi liar sekeliling atau lebih mudah dipanggil, social pressure. tapi lihat semula kisah si lelaki, layakkah dia menghadiahkan mahar yang murah? kita lihat semula si lelaki yang bercakap, apakah kualiti yang si lelaki ada untuk membolehkan dia layak mengatakan perempuan lain tidak layak untuk menerima mahar yang tinggi?
perempuan sempurna tidak perlu mahar yang tinggi kerana nilai dirinya. sama seperti lelaki yang sempurna, tidak perlu bawa mahar tinggi untuk perempuan kerana kualiti yang ada dalam diri yang dibawanya.

perlu diingat juga. kita berkahwin dengan seseorang, kita berkahwin dengan seluruh keluarganya. kita bangga dengan kelebihan pasangan, dan kita juga 'mencintai' kelemahannya. ada sebab mengapa ibu bapa terlibat dalam kisah menetapkan 'harga' untuk anak mereka. 'keikhlasan' manusia terlalu subjektif. meletakkan harga kini salah satu 'cara' untuk menguji kesungguhan lelaki kononnya. bukan mudah untuk memindahkan amanah Allah yang dulunya amanah mereka kepada seorang lelaki yang tidak pasti hati budinya.

Dengan keadaan sekarang, dengan kerapuhan iman masing-masing, masing-masing curiga, betapa "ikhlas", betapa bersungguh si lelaki ini mahukan si perempuan menjadi the other half mereka, perlu saya katakan, nilai hantaran tinggi seems legit. kononnya untuk membuktikan kesungguhan si lelaki. logik ada di sana sini, boleh dikira berapa banyak perkahwinan yg betul-betul dilangsungkan kerana Allah, mahu sama-sama saling melengkapi menuju jannah? banyak perkahwinan sekarang dilangsungkan untuk memenuhi kehendak hati dan ego masing-masing. dan apa perlunya alter ego dalam kes ini?

statement yang saya letak untuk entry ini, sama seperti statement seorang perempuan yang cakap dia mahukan imam yang sempurna untuk dirinya. sama kisahnya. ada lelaki yang melatah. sekali lagi, perempuan murah mengapa sibuk mahukan imam sempurna? kisah serupa, mengapa mahukan isteri sempurna sedangkan diri belum cukup sedia memimpin keluarga? sekurang-kurangnya, perempuan terang-terang dicipta untuk dipimpin, jadi, pamerkan ciri pemimpin yang baik.

maka, perbaiki diri masing-masing. if you're good, then you deserve someone good. if not. berangan je la.

























okay, malas dah nak type. sape nak discuss, boleh PM. hahaha... dah banyak kali dah sesi macam ni ada. tapi pastikan susun atur ayat tu cantik sikit ya. buang alter ego. baik lelaki, mahupon perempuan. kalau tengah emo, tunggu dah sejuk, dah rational baru kita duduk bincang. kalau tanya aku? aku tak setuju pon belanja banyak-banyak untuk majlis, kisah lepas majlis banyak lagi nak pikir.

- E N D -

Sunday, September 8, 2013

perlu alat bantuan jantung


nak balik zaman dulu-dulu. apa pon tak payah pikir. mende paling berat nak pikir pon hanyalah macam mana nak pegi buat nakal tanpa dimarah.

- E N D -

that fishy moment

curiosity kills. please don't give me any clue about it at all at the first place. now that i am not only ready to listen, but eagerly want to listen to your story(ies).

be safe.

- E N D -

Saturday, September 7, 2013

jangan

jangan diduga baik ini
jangan
jangan cuba minta diulang untuk kali sejuta kali
jangan biar aku ambil kesempatan akan baik mu
aku benci, sungguh.

jangan galakkan
jangan engkau tunjukkan jalan mudah aku tak perlu hargai kau
selagi kau aku anggap kawan, aku cuba untuk tidak sakiti.

jangan harap aku berhenti
aku pasti terus berlari
pasti.

kau pasti jumpa seperti yang ditakdir.
tunggu.





- E N D -

Friday, September 6, 2013

untuk kali keseratus lima puluh juta

buang masa aku berhari-hari. aku memutuskan. aku nak tipu je contour yang menyakitkan hati ni.



- E N D -

Thursday, September 5, 2013

tricky it is.

i always had this problem. when i think i don't have enough friends, i complain. when i think i have too many of them, i complain.

ni la namanya tak bersyukur. i am in that kakak-kakak mode just now when i finally said, "you'll think whatever i say today is just ridiculous, but one day, once you are my age, you'll understand." hey, i use to be as 'mentah' as you once, and think that older doesn't mean wiser.

whenever i feel malas, i have everyone who kept encouraging me to keep marching popped in mind. family, friends and everyone. teha yang selalu excited dengan project aku, thank you teha. bila aku malas aku selalu rasa bersalah kat ko. whenever i want to feel down, i'll have my father in my mind, to see him all worried nun jauh di Malaysia because i am too stressed with all my work here, padahal apalah sangat keje aku kat sini, belajar je pon. yup. whenever i feel down, i'll try to recall all the happy moments. i have a lots of them. and i'll let the happy memories blurring down the sad one. with all the unconditional loves that make my world (at least) goes around, it's unfair to say i'm not happy enough.


so. song of the day.
by Dewi Lestari

Sahabatku, usai tawa iniIzinkan aku bercerita:
Telah jauh, ku mendakiSesak udara di atas puncak khayalanJangan sampai kau di sana
Telah jauh, ku terjatuhPedihnya luka di dasar jurang kecewaDan kini sampailah, aku di sini...
Yang cuma ingin diam, duduk di tempatkuMenanti seorang yang biasa sajaSegelas air di tangannya, kala kuterbaring... sakitYang sudi dekat, mendekap tangankuMencari teduhnya dalam matakuDan berbisik : "Pandang aku, kau tak sendiri,oh dewiku..."Dan demi Tuhan, hanya itulah yangItu saja kuinginkan
Sahabatku, bukan maksud hati membebani,Tetapi...
Telah lama, kumenantiSatu malam sunyi untuk kuakhiriDan usai tangis ini, aku kan berjanji...
Untuk diam, duduk di tempatkuMenanti seorang yang biasa sajaSegelas air di tangannya, kala kuterbaring... sakitMenentang malam, tanpa bimbang lagiDemi satu dewi yang lelah bermimpiDan berbisik : "Selamat tidur, tak perlu bermimpi bersamaku..."
Wahai Tuhan, jangan bilang lagi itu terlalu tinggi




towards the end. the one that you gonna love the most. your forever sahabat, who you know you can always count on.



- E N D -

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

why grandma?? why?

received an email from the lecturer this morning...hari yang bajet-bajet ceria bertukar kureng sket.. terbayang-bayang aku cara dia gelak yang agak phenomenal tu... -_-"


i love you abang secott..aku rasa aku dah jawab last meeting...'my grandma would love to see that..."

part ni aku macam nak cakap...'apa lagi mat saleh ni mahu?' dah bagi betis nak peha pulak..orang lain jari pun diorang tak bagi haaa... okay laaa...sure dia nampak aku rajin ni...sebab aku memang bagi final draft yang final...tu selamba mintak pikir macam-macam lagi tu..

tapi issue sekarang ni...grandma. dia cakap grandma dia sure tak paham presentation aku... haih. yang penting grandma i paham secott..grandma i...


* dia patut tahu..aku tak bape pandai bab-bab compose board..baru last week kena tibai sebab kak hell ngn kak jude cakap aku ada masalah menyusun board. C dulu cakap aku macam chris. tak suka buat section and terlalu banyak mende dalam kepala smpai tak tahu mana nak letak atas board. time kasih la C. rasa genius kejap disamakan dengan chris. silap tajuk research dah aku nih....too late kunang..too late...

- E N D -

Sunday, September 1, 2013

i don't have any 'A' title for this one

to be honest, "where's your crazy models?" question that keep lingering in my mind...and i cant stop thinking about it... haih...

had a hectic week...like seriously super hectic..no proper rest  until last friday...Alhamduillah finally i can sleep in peace...and last night was the best sleep ever..its like 13 hours beauty sleep..and i end up bangun tidur rasa dahaga teramat due to dehydration...

so many things happened...so many things i learned...so many things that i found out i have to start teaching myself leaning to do so...and now i believe...giving second chance sometimes is just a stupid thing to do...

i always have issue with people who keep blaming others without first blaming themselves. i just don't get it. this is your lesson kunang. i didn't learn my lesson before. but i do now.

i should start appreciate people who appreciate me.

being rude is a choice. and it seems like you choose to be one. pity you. congratulations on your good act. i don't mind being seen as the culprit and you look all angelic. karma is a bitch in case you forget. i am sick listening people blaming everyone. and for the first time in my life. i fail to see good qualities that left in people.

whenever i am upset. i kept reminding myself about the good things that happened between us. and in you. your 'bad list' seems to double your 'good list'. i'm sorry. i choose not to be rude. but definitely choose to be all unreal in front of you. i promise.

- E N D -

Sunday, August 25, 2013

another one

hoiiiii...banyak nya news to digest in one day...aku ni dok lagi marathon concert arctic monkey...sambung pagi tadi punya session..tengah stress tengok alex turner punya rambut melekat...haih...  ADR ke laut...PP ke lombong... tak sedar diri last week lecturer baru cakap...'i  have faith in you'...statement nak kencang habaq ang..and few other metaphore pasal aku yang aku macam seram je dengar...aku macam nak cakap...'please..not you too..'lecturer sini mempunyai minat yang tinggi terhadap otak aku sebab dorang rasa aku macam aku selalu tak tahu apa yang aku tahu....they really need to stop speculating that...

for real..aku macam boleh confirm dah aku ni memang manusia introvert...walaupon kawan-kawan aku macam tak boleh terima sebab diorang rasa aku extrovert...okay..tu laaa..aku pon rasa jugak...tapi aku dah bertukar??? now macam make sense jugak kenapa cikgu high school aku cakap aku pendiam...and close friend macam takleh terima statement tu...

nah baca link ni
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/31-unmistakable-signs-that-youre-an-introvert

masih lagi in denial kisah introvert ni...tapi hari ni aku nak gi architecture school open day...aku tak jadi masuk sebab dorang ber bbq depan pintu...and i was like.."mari cari mangsa untuk teman aku go through that damn door." and found perfect one to accompany me...so..dari situ..aku conclude..memang sah dah aku ni...ini bukan masalah anti social...balik rumah terus google pasal introvert...

lepas tu i find this...so betul!!!

http://laughingsquid.com/how-to-live-with-introverts/

- E N D -

songs that relate

this morning. darren hayes and arctic monkey. yes. kontra habis. accidentally darren hayes. intentionally arctic monkey. and planning for starsailor and mando diao later.

okay. habis satu concert. aku kna keluar melihat dunia. idea tak datang kalau ditunggu.

*ntah bila nak habis zaman-zaman tidak grow up ini?

- E N D -

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Selagi Belum Alzheimer

partner in crime akan sentiasa dikenang. be it di mana sahaja. sekolah.tempat kerja. uni dan mana-mana jua.
tidak lupa jua pada kawan-kawan yang jauh tapi dekat di hati.

yang ni yang tengah dok ada depan mata. sorang dah hilang balik malaysia for good sudah. once fast 6. forever a fast 6. bahahahhaa.... ni kalau dah tua tengok balik gambo ni sure aku stress...hahaha...






*aboo said she misses her staircase buddies.. o..those days. please come to tassie again dear aboo.



- E N D -

Sunday, August 18, 2013

each otherness

i've been seriously jiwa kacau lately...like seriously super duper jiwa kacau with zero air mata yang keluar..maybe tu sebab lagi stress kot? i just need to let it out.

i have my father who has tremendously worried about me. not that he never worried about me..but this time..he knew i am in a great depress.. i don't usually tell my parents when i am down...or senang cite..i barely tell them anything at all.. i am more to the listener and hanya cakap-cakap kosong type of person at home. or that 'multipurpose' guy who can do almost everything and always in control.

i usually complain about life at twitter..(obviously) by blogging.. and complain it to my friends who i'm pretty sure won't smack me at my face by being all mengada-ngada... sayang korang!

to be honest. i have loads of loves from everyone who cares. who i think secretly care. (i've told you before about how important to have right friends)

thank you for all the kindness. really. my life would be miserable without all of you.

you know who you are.

thank you.

i will be okay. with all the loves, how is it possible not to be ok?

- E N D -

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Interfering

Me? No. I won't. I don't even have the gut to cut queue. Face do lies.

E N D

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

it's a sign

currently im having this conflict with myself...conflict apa...aku pon tak tahu.. i am at the stage where i am too afraid about everything..outcome for ADR and PP and everything...(banyak kan masa aku untuk berfikir?)

so today, i decided to go to hobart and forget everything...i dont want to go to today's ADR meeting because i no longer have interest of doing it. (they kinda want me do what i don't really want to do...i mean, they let me choose at first, and say no later. so what's the point of getting me choosing what i think i want to do?)

i have few friends that encourage me to just go and do whatever i think is right...i mean..they said..yes to hobart plan...and i have few friends that say..NO NO to hobart plan....

so...this morning... i figure out that..the NO team is winning...due to a very bad weather...i have to stay!
T_T so. i think i would want to just sleep whole day and wake up and forget all the misery. im hoping that this is just the PMS thingy. I need to be okay for the final battle. i really need to. takde masa nak down down. i need to stay positive. and at this moment. i need to sleep.

*yes. deep down. i really feel like going to the bus station, beli tiket balik KL..hahhaa...not that im homesick. tapi nak lari kejap je dari rasa tak best ni. and deep down. i hope this bad weather will cause flood. so. school tutup. ha ha ha.


weatherzone update. siap tulis. IF IT'S FLOODED - FORGET IT!!

T_T fine~ please be ok kunang! now. tido dulu!

- E N D -

Monday, August 12, 2013

option

when someone treats you like an option. help them narrow their choice down by removing yourself from the list.

there's no use if they don't want the whole world know.. that they love you...

when you secretly love someone...you might confuse it with wants and desire...

you have brains. think!

- E N D -

post raya

might be memorable raya after all...wasn't great..but not bad at all... we kinda have each other..to make sure we won't sink... yes.. i am so gonna miss this moment one day..

and at  this moment. serabut. nak buat kerja malas. semua pon malas. how i wish i'm in Malaysia now still celebrating raya..*sigh*

okay...let's gather all the positive aura and start over...

p/s: thanks ska for the vampire diaries thingy..now..obsess sudah..bajet remaja sangat tengok vampire diaries. hahahha...

- E N D -

Monday, August 5, 2013

introvert. extrovert. pervert. you.

hmmm...i hope this is just another PMS thingy... aku tengah at that stage..rasa benci kat semua orang...not all...but ramai laaa...so..i believe i need to calm myself down...

berita tak berapa best hari ni...there's someone in my class kinda steal my research idea...hmmm...datang class with zero input....dengar-dengar idea orang. lepas tu ko petik idea mana-mana ko rasa best. and claim it's yours. wow..dahsyat betul... sabar kunang. banyak lagi mende boleh di research..

kisah kedua... ok..aku terang-terang tak boleh jadi artis...like seriously memang tak boleh...aku paling penat kalo ada orang try to be me... aku suka melukis...ko pon nak suka melukis....aku suka baju batwing...ko pon dan-dan suka baju batwing...aku suka boots...ko pon dan-dan suka jugak...aku suka baca buku...ko pon suka baca buku...hoi...rimas weyh...aku kawan ngan org ni...ko pon sibuk nak kawan ngan orang tu jugak...pang nak? aku dah penat weyh...aku mmgtak sesuai kawan ngn orang yg tak transparent...sebab aku mudah sakit hati dengan manusia-manusia hipokrit yang belakang aku perangai macam sampah...

oke...aku harus stop...entry aku macam entry orang tak puasa... baca entry ni elok-elok..nak berkawan ngan aku...elakkan buat perangai bukan-bukan... hargai diri sendiri..tak payah sibuk sangat nak jadi orang lain...orang lain cool...ko? kesian.

tajuk entry ialah kerana aku rasa aku introvert. aku takleh dok lebri. sebab aku rasa orang asyik tenggok aku. and. ape kejadahnya bising gila lebri hari ni??? aku rasa nak bakar lebri dah tadi!

- E N D -

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

attention

i think i have wrote somewhere that i think im gonna like ADR this semester? hey..i still like the unit...the meetings...the discussion...what really bothering me at this moment is the unwanted attention that i received during class... hmm..i don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing... but it seems like both ceridwen and scott keep discussing my research for ADR... well...for those who want to know what  the hell is ADR...it stands for Advance Design Research...and i've been assigned to showcase group...which is quite contrast to what  i've done for my previous ADR...which was 'how do graffiti create space'..i never work in group for research before this...so this is totally a new thing..

so..for this showcase group. we need to propose a form of communication to publish the collection of students' work that we have in the archive. im the kind who always turn to non-archi people when i think i don't know what to do...seriously... it helps...like.. A LOT! and i go and kacau everyone on earth that  i think love me with a lot of questions...hihi.. well..im proposing an architecture exhibition with the non-archi people as my primary audiences. hmmm....cool tak? (tak menahan perasan cool) the reason is that i think we, the architects always speak different language. with those complicated terms here and there. i really hate it when i think the point could be explained easily but they have it in a very complicated way. aku syak..sebenarnya dorang tak paham apa yang dorang nak cakap, so guna term hebat-hebat..nak kasi orang impress???

nak dijadikan cerita, there's a rumour that says that  our showcase group was formed because they want to start selling these communicating idea for non-archi people. yeay? i have hit the nail? or my proposal seems to be more straightforward? and realistic?

whatever it is. if they really want to hire me as an exhibition expert right after graduate, Alhamdulillah. i've worked once with MOA for their exhibition.(real life project) yes, i do have experience, but i didn't do any research back then. i just designed whatever i think appropriate.. you see...now i know why He let me be in the interior firm...and make it really hard to get accepted in any company..see.. it helps now...i won't have this kind of knowledge if im in the architecture firm...

and if they are really interested with my 'expertise', they might let me direct an exhibition. cool eh? semua ini bunyi seperti janji2 manis...hahahhaa...tak kisah la tu...Alhamdulillah...daripada takde janji langsung kan? hihi..

so..sem ni ialah sem yang aku berazam, aku takmo pertikai dah why things happen certain way...i want to believe that He has greater plan for me. Walaupun sem ni terlalu pack, i feel blessed. banyak betul opportunity. They really let me do what i want and like. Alhamdulillah...semoga aku kurang rasa frust. gittew.

kepada semua yang mencurahkan unconditional love kat aku. yang memberi idea kat aku tanpa berbelah bagi. thank you very much. sayang korang!!! semua aku cakap tadi masa meeting..hehe..lecturer baru nak suruh aku interview non-archi people...dengan segera aku jawab..done that! =)

apa-apalah kan...He knows better...hidup yang happy ialah bila kita redha with whatever plans He made for us... yaaa...aura positive...ke sini lah!! hihihi..



- E N D -