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Friday, July 22, 2011

i have to say this..i have to...

i shouldnt be blogging and procrastinate by now... i had other more important thing to do...but i have to write it down so i wont become gila...i almost gila i must tell you...

i almost lost control these few days... i've tried to put away all this 'shouldnt be grudge' feeling...and i've tried to stay calm and be in the most positive way i could be...but...like others...i m just another normal human being that had failed to control her anger in an appropriate way...

i lost myself, i found that i m crying no more..i cant concentrate when im doing stuff....i m not sure what to feel...i m not sure what i want to feel...i feel guilty to my parents...i feel like a complete loser...i lost all the confident in me..i dont know what should i do..i dont know what exactly i want in my life..i dont know which one to focus more on...and the most important thing is that i know that im starting to lose myself....

i m no more the person you might know having all her problems as the main motivation to stay alive... and currently im no more an always forgiver you might know...NO MORE...

please let me put all the blame on you...

the days we've been through together never been easy, i know. i salute you, i respect you and believe in you as most of the people around me keep telling me you're the best.

but, when you failed to keep your promise and have me as the "victim" seems not right to me.. you exposed the selfish side of you that i never expect exist in you and i cant believe when people said you're the best anymore. you are just like us and there's nothing that make you be or look different nor better...i m not expecting you to save my ass...but you should at least do your part while i busy saving both of our asses !!

enough about you...

given a second chance to prove that im not really that 'loser' doesnt make me feel lucky nor happy...
i wonder why me and not us?
i wonder why he chose me instead of others...
i wonder, do i really have the capability to prove that i m not 'that another complete loser' he might know??

i cannot explain the pain and the agony that i have to face right now...
looking at the face and talking through the phone with the people that dear to my heart makes me feel sadder and upset...

i need the positive charge..i need strength...i need miracle...

and above all...I need Allah to guide me through...


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